Vault Blacklist Vol. 01: Fake Founder Archetypes Exposed

How these fake founder archetypes ruin your brand from day one

Welcome to the Vault Blacklist – a satirical brand roast disguised as a toy drop. This series exposes the startup archetypes that sabotage strategy, worship aesthetic over value, and end up spinning in circles before their brand ever begins. If you’ve worked in branding long enough, you’ve met every one of these characters. This satirical series breaks down fake founder archetypes—persona-driven branding disasters disguised as startup ambition.

Black textured background with bold yellow text “WOULD YOU BUY THIS TOY?” and red subhead “FAKE FOUNDERS. REAL RED FLAGS.” Surrounded by five toy mockups in clamshell packaging: Founder Barbie, Crypto Bro, Wellness Coach, LinkedInfluencerr, and AI Agency.

🎮 Founder Barbie™ Starter Kit

Tagline: Bought a logo before the offer. Built for vibes, not value.

Oversized blazer, biker shorts, and filtered ambition
Website mockup that says "COMING SOON"
USB of product mockups with zero market fit
Vision board with pastel dreams
Instagram grid of beige textures and generic quotes

Warning: May result in zero strategy, multiple pivots, and delusional self-belief.

👤 The LinkedInfluencerr Starter Kit

Tagline: Built my brand in 6 weeks. #1 in engagement pods.

Ring light, tote bag, and a reusable coffee cup
Laptop with Notion tabs open, none finished
Mic for podcast episodes that never aired
TOP VOICE plaque from an echo chamber

Warning: May result in LinkedIn addiction and thought-leadership inflation.

🌿 Eco Startup Founder Kit

Tagline: Entrepreneurial spirit sold separately. Includes token accessories for greenwashing.

Hoodie, sustainable cup, and empty tote bag
"Sustainability Certificate" from a no-name vendor
Plant-based font choices, purpose-free execution

Warning: May result in performative values and marketing fluff.

Green-themed founder with hoodie, coffee cup, ECO AF tote bag, and “Sustainability Certificate.” Caption: “Entrepreneurial spirit sold separately. Includes token accessories for greenwashing.”

🚗 Crypto Bro Starter Kit

Tagline: Includes zero real assets.

Oversized hoodie and permanent shades
Bored Ape NFT, Bitcoin and Ethereum coins
VR headset and endless buzzwords
Circuit board backdrop for extra confusion

Warning: May result in trust loss, SEC emails, and a Discord with 4 active users.

Hoodie-wearing man with VR headset, Bitcoins, Ethereum laptop, and Bored Ape card. Caption: “Includes zero real assets.” Neon circuit board packaging background.

🧥 Wellness Coach Kit

Tagline: You’re not tired, you’re misaligned.

Crystal, pink journal, and barefoot wisdom
Flow State Trophy and framed mantras
Instagram grid full of quotes and cacao ceremonies

Warning: May result in soft branding and vague service offers.

Yoga coach in leggings and crop top. Accessories: crystal, “Authentic AF” frame, flow state journal, and water bottle. Caption: “You’re not tired, you’re misaligned.”

🤖 AI Agency Starter Kit

Tagline: We polish what AI makes. Zero originality included.

Suit and smiley emoji
Robot clipart, AI certificate, and "strategy" laptop
Background full of charts, but no results

Warning: May result in cookie-cutter visuals and brand confusion.

Corporate man in suit with accessories: robot toy, smiley emoji, “Strategy” laptop, and AI certificate. Caption: “We polish what AI makes. Zero originality included.”

The Vault Collector Poster

This isn't just a roast. It's a mirror. The Vault Blacklist Toy Edition is your reminder to build brands with substance, not just style. If you recognize yourself here… it might be time for a reset.